Dysco
Noir is an evil so great it can not be contained. See our past,
present and future.
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The
Present
Our Mission Statement
Dysco Noir is a company, a company
that respects the consumer for everything they are worth to us.
We pride ourselves on being different, and at Dysco Noir, "different"
means "all powerful." Instead of you coming to us, we
come after you. Instead of spending money in a fleet of personal
yachts, we invest it in the protection of whoever's best interest
we're currently protecting. Instead of pushing shoddy events with
poor productions values and sub-par talent, we ruthlessly exploit
top performers, designers and directors to bring you the best entertainment
you vaguely deserve. And that's how we pass the savings down to
you, the consumer.
"What's Good for DN, is Good
for America"
Let's face the facts; people are angry, bigoted and will pay for
anything. At Dysco Noir we take full advantage of that. Are you
a gun lover? So are we. Are you vegan? So are we. Are you a Neo-Vulcan
Anarchist Zionist Socialist with a hard-on for the Apocalypse? Dysco
Noir asks, "Who Isn't?" Dysco Noir does not discriminate,
everything we embrace boils down to the bottom line... you...'re
soul. Dysco Noir is 100% American, and we stand by that. We actually
stand by that to such an extent that recent polls theoretically
suggest more people might actually recognize the Dysco Noir flag
over the American one... that's right, we're that American. That's
why we stand by everything the American Government does in name
of our lobbying dollars. And that's how we pass the savings down
to you, the consumer.
"It's Your Mind Over Your Money"
That's right, it has to be, if it wasn't then we would be doing
the consumer a disservice. When was the last time your dollars asked
to be entertained, provoked and controlled? Ours never have. Of
course, that is because ours stay locked away, safe, in a foreign
bank account. For you, the consumer, we do not just entertain, control
and reprogram, we want to entertain, control and reprogram. It is
that simple. At Dysco Noir we do whatever we can marginally get
away with, within our loose legal bounds to get to your mind. And
that's how we pass the savings down to you, the consumer.
"Dysco Noir, a New Force to be
reckoned with"
Absolutely, and that's no joke. We have already bought the copyrights
to sixty six thousand people, and those are just for cloning. We're
building an army like you've never seen... and once you do, we're
sure you'll agree... it is how we pass the savings down to you,
THE CONSUMER! Dysco Noir, because if we don't co-opt you, they will.
Questions & Answers
Q. What kind of events should I expect from a company such as
yourself?
A. Good events, events that are good, and of course, quality productions.
Our events are designed to provoke thought... the way we want it
provoked... and to guarantee you'll leave with a skewed view of
the world. Have you considered that I could show up at your back
door, find the key you've hidden under that fake rock just right
of the doormat, kill your alarm system by frying your breakers with
a voltage jumper then break in and kill your entire family? Now
you have. Do you ever look at the sky and wonder if there's life
out there? We can already tell you there isn't because God wouldn't
approve of that sort of thing. At our events you might just consider
a little more. More about us... and more about them!
Q. Do you have any particular political or social agendas?
A. No.
Q. What's Dysco Noir's stance on current world issues?
A. Our stance is the same as everyone else's. We're saddened, almost
angered by the un-Democratic actions of countries such as North
Korea, Iran and France. Why? Because we believe Democracy doesn't
just work, but is absolutely and completely required. That's why
Dysco Noir is assisting the newly founded "Anti-Xenophobic
Institution of States" (AXIS) in building an army to free other
countries from un-Democratic things like tyranny, low military spending
and Europe. We're hoping that one day we can accomplish our dream
of creating a nation that spans oceans, one might even call such
a place "Oceania." And, of course, your big brother, Dysco
Noir, would be there.
Q. I recently heard that Dysco Noir is actually trying to take
over the world, is that true?
A. No.
Q. Is it true that Dysco Noir is selling tracking chips to world
governments that allow them to tag and track their citizens' whereabouts?
A. We're glad you asked! There's been a lot of misunderstanding
with the DN Technologies project "Implant Chips in All Insurrectors
and Track Them." The facts: Yes, we have developed a chip that,
when implanted, can track a human being regardless of circumstance.
Yes, we are selling it to various world governments for millions
without getting into their personal business. Yes, we ARE kind of
looking out for the consumer (this is how we spread the savings
onto you after-all.) People have voiced their concern over governments
abusing the great gift this chip bestows upon them. This is a completely
absurd notion. DN Tech has had every government who buys our chips
sign a contract stating that they will only use this technology
in the incident that one of their citizens accidentally wanders
into the deep, dark, scary forest and gets lost. See, when humans
get lost in the scary, scary woods; governments get concerned. With
this technology, governments can find them and bring them back to
the safety of the civilized world. That's why we call them "Track
and Subdue Chips" which is actually Greek for "Find Innocent
People in the Big, Scary, Dangerous Forest When They Are Lost...
Chips."
Q. You're kidding me.
A. No, we're deadly serious. Ask another question.
Q. What kind of music do you specialize in at your events?
A. Good music.
Q. How can I learn more?
A. Simple! Just go to the contacts pane and e-mail or call one of
us with a general inquiry or more precise one, if you have it. You
can also come to one of our events in Chicago or New York. It's
as EASY as that!
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